Today, I've just been out. I haven't done anything productive except from cleaning my room a bit. I haven't vaccumed yet, though.
I really hate school. I don't mind learning, I enjoy it a lot! It's the environment that gets to me. Being surrounded by so many people I don't like, the air being stuffy, the lights bright or too dim, and constantly fighting the urge to fall asleep, ew. I can't focus in class, and I haven't been able to in a long time. I usually half-listen to the teacher during a lecture and draw the entire class period, go to my next class, repeat. Except when there's an assignment, of course, but I draw on there too or on a seperate piece of paper. I've filled up so many sketchbooks just by doing that everyday. Now that I think about it, I have to go to the store again to get a new one. It helps me keep my mind off things, unless I'm drawing about what I'm feeling. Then, drawing becomes a way for me to express myself.
I feel weird tonight. I got really upset earlier by seeing a video on social media, and looking at the comments. I really should know better about scrolling at night, mostly because I get more upset when I'm alone with no one to distract me. It sucks.
I wish I was smart enough to get upset when my grade is anything below a 90/100. That's kind of a lie; I do get upset most of the time. I'm an underachiever, but a perfectionist. I hope that makes sense to you. I get upset when I get grades lower than an A, but I usually get grades lower than an A. I think I'm a C-B student, and I really hate that fact. If I go to hell, and I think I will, I think I'd be sent there because of envy. I hate being jealous, but I can't help it when everyone around me is part of someone I so desperately want to be. Yet, at the same time, I'm starting to think of myself as better when something triggers that thought.
I'm a fast thinker and learner most of the time, and when I'm collaborating with someone and my experiences with them prove that fact, I can't help but feel pride. I'm disgusting! I love the feeling. It's a snipet of what those perked up, proud 4.2 GPA students feel like.
One of my bigger goals is to feel and know that I'm smart. It's not a constant feeling of 'smart-ness'. I only feel it when someone else triggers it. It's kind of pathetic, right? Maybe, I really am wallowing in self-pity. My problems aren't able to be solved, but you're only going to assume they can be because that's what everyone says. Well, guess again because I've been analyzing myself and finding, trying, doing anything to help myself! My parents won't give me therapy, they even lied to my doctor saying that they'll find someone and they never looked. Now, all I have to do is wait and wait until I'm of age and I'm a big adult girl to find someone to help me. I've been waiting for years! I knew what was wrong with me since I was nine, yet it only seems to get worse. With my grades, I won't get to the goals I truly want to be at!
And, no matter how much I put it into words, I'll never fully get out what is going on in my mind, and you'll never, ever, understand. I'm tired of people saying they do, and have a completely wrong interpretation of what I've been trying to talk about! Everyone's so selfish, and so am I. We will never fully understand each other, ever! Disgusting!
Still, I'm writing, trying to express myself once again. I'll never feel fufilled. I hate you, reader.