I've been feeling horrible lately. I think it might be because of my hormones; it's close to my period anyways. I feel like no one really talks about how it feels a little invalidating to be feeling like the worst you've ever been when you're almost on your period. It feels like the reason why I'm upset is taken, being replaced with "it's my hormones". It makes me feel worse.
I've been actively suicidal since I was nine. It's exhausting feeling this way. I can't do "anything" though. All I've been wanting these past years is to sleep forever, not care about what others say. I'm tired of trying so hard to keep myself alive. I want to leave this place, it's not welcoming to anyone anyways. I can't though, I have too many responsibilities.
That's the only reason I haven't ended my life; responsibilities. My parents are counting on me on making a good future for myself since one of my siblings is in the military and the other dropped out of college. They want me to be successful in their eyes and make a lot of money. Honestly, being homeless sounds more appealing than working for another four years (or more) in college and find a job that pays less than it should. I don't like thinking about my future. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'll be miserable.
I'm scared I won't be able to make enough money to live, have the things I want if I stay alive. In the future, I want to get therapy, get medications, figure out why I'm like this when I already try to face my problems head on and understand them. I want to get a dog and a rabbit, have a cozy studio apartment with my boyfriend. How do people create a life for themselves? How can I create a life for myself like this? I'm only sixteen, yet it feels like my world is heavy with pressure of my future. Will I get into a good university if I had a 2.8 GPA at the end of sophmore year? I feel disgusting and pathetic. I want to go to a good university like the other smart IB students. I just want to feel normal, work normally. I'll never know how it feels.
It felt validating when my boyfriend said that my highschool experience is the worst he's heard about. It was nice knowing that I'm not crazy for feeling bad about school. I feel like what I lack is good friends. That's probably why I resorted to sending tweets mindlessly on my secret twitter, or making a website to write into a black hole. I'm nervous to open up. I usually open up to my boyfriend, but he doesn't really listen to me completely. He more or so,, half listens? I'll be talking to him and he'll be playing games at the same time on call, then zones out and forgets to listen halfway through. Later on in our conversations, he'll ask something that I said the answer twenty minutes before. Usually, I try not to care much, but it ends up becoming a predictable situation. It makes me feel lonelier than I already was.
I want to talk to him about it, but I feel like it'll make him upset and/or he'll try to listen then forget what we tried to fix a week later. It happened with a different problem. I don't want to make him upset, and I know that's bad to think. It's better to be honest. But, I'll try to keep it to myself a little bit more. I don't know if that's selfish or not. I just hate seeing him upset.
I want to go by the creek again. One day, maybe I'll escape my house in the middle of the night and run as fast as I can to the train tracks or the creek. Maybe, I wouldn't go there to end my life, but to get the feeling on what it would look like. It sounds nice to do. I'll get the confidence someday, reader.
I mostly felt bad today because I got a bad grade on my algebra exam. A 36/100, I felt like it was just another horrible thing that happened this week. I studied hard for it too. The test was nothing like I studied, which was the review sheet we got. I felt like I really understood what was happening in the review. But, when I got the test yesterday, I knew I did horrible after I finished. I'm passing every other class with high 90s and one 80. In algebra, I have a 55. I feel stupid, it's always math for me. I wish I could be as smart as those other kids, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It was probably the teacher's fault; she was complaining about how our class did bad on the test, which is a red flag for her because theres a bunch of smart kids in my class. I hope I pass math this quarter. I can't stand failing again, I always overreact and feel horrible for the rest of the day or more.
At least, I feel a little bit better typing out what made me feel so bad today. I should do this more often. Maybe, it's better for me to unravel my thoughts.