i have much to do tonight which is making me more stressed. Yesterday, i didn't have anything to do so i rested and played games. I should have studied or done something more productive.
Am I in an episode if what I've been feeling and thinking has just been my life for six years? I don't know if it still counts. I'm exhausted from keeping myself alive. When is it morally okay for me to end my life? I don't care if I go to heaven or hell or I vanish from existence.
There's so much I want to do. I want to read so many books, I want to run around, go outside without having to ask for permission, explore, write those books I've wanted to write for so long. I just don't have time because of school. I'm sick of my education being held above my head. I need good grades to become successful, if not, I just have to get lucky. I'm very unlucky. I feel like I shouldn't have to worry so much about my future, it doesn't feel right. I suspect that there are other paths that could have been taken for me and others. But, again, life is unfair.
It makes me sick. Everyday that passes marks how it becomes more and more tempting to give up. Staying alive doesn't feel like it makes me stronger, this should be normal.
I'm not scared of dying, you know that, right? I'm scared that I won't amount to anything when I'm gone. I feel like my life means nothing, I mean nothing. I have done nothing to contribute to this world because I've been trying to keep myself alive. I'm envious of my peers who have done projects to try and help the world, while I'm silently hoping that an astroid crashes into the planet and explodes it, something like that. I hope that I can become someone. I want to try and build an identity for myself. I want to be someone so bad, reader. I want to be smart, I don't know why I can't be smart. Please, tell me what you believe. I'm sick of it all, I just want someone to kill me already. I want to be nothing, I want to be everything.
I hope I can make sense to myself and others one day. I hope this is normal to feel, but I hope I feel it in a way that will never truly be explained. I want to stare at the sun until my eyes burn away so I don't have to understand what happens in the world once it burns down with us.
Maybe, I should be killed. Am I too pessimistic? Maybe, I'm just as bad as those who are critized. I will never know until someone explains it to me.