There's this girl that I have a kind of bad history with. I don't remember much on what happened, but it had something to do with her not fitting much in my (then) friendgroup. I don't remember too much around this time, so my memories might be distorted a little. So, they basically kicked her out. I'm going to call her N, it's the first letter to her name.
It was around middle school through freshman year. That was a hard and awkward time for all people my age from what I know. Awkward teen phase, I think the awkwardness begins to fade in sophmore year—at least from what I know. My friends didn't like her very much. I'm pretty sure she was autistic. It was hard for her to socialize with them, I could see it when they interacted. N wasn't in a good mental state either when she met my then friend group too.
Even with all that, I still really liked her. She was fun, and really sweet. N had her bad times, but we all do. I really liked her as a friend during that time. I even considered that I might of had a crush on her. She was really pretty. I feel weird writing this—not too much in a bad way. We kind of had a best-friend-situationship-but-not-really, at least that's what I thought. In middle school, we would give each other kisses on each others' cheeks in a "platonic way". I tried to think it was platonic, but I remember feeling my body warm up after she'd quickly come up to me, kiss my cheek, then say bye. I thought she was cute. It felt a little scary, since we're both girls. I felt a little weird about that, but I know and knew better than to let societal standards get in the way of my own sexuality.
Though, with our then friends kicking her out, we stopped talking. I became conflicted if she was a bad person to be friends with. N could be a bit overwhelmingly negative at times—talking and venting about her mental health without asking beforehand. My friends got mad at that, and I did too. She didn't respond the best at us not wanting to be around her because of her pessimissm. I came to the conclusion that it would hurt more to stay friends with her, and that it would be better for
If it was for the best, I still miss her. She's now at my school. I went to a senior highschool for freshman year and sophmore year (for the IB program) unlike many who went to the junior high. N went to the junior high, so we didn't talk for two-ish years. Now, she's in the senior high with all the juniors and seniors—including me. Today, I was walking to the cafeteria and I looked up and saw her walking directly to my direction. I felt that same feeling I had in middle school—that feeling you get when you see a girl really pretty (not in a weird way). She smiled a little at me and kept walking past me. N still looks pretty to this day. I think her hair is really cool. It's very dark and curly.
I hope she's doing okay. I don't know if we'll ever talk again, and I'm okay with that. I've found myself again and found someone I love dearly. Yet, I like to think that somethings changed differently. It's okay.