I know that I am cared for. I have friends, my family, but I can't help but fantasize dissapearing from it all.
I know I am privilaged, having others actually like me and that some people would kill to even have a family and friends—but, you know. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to think about how they would react when I die. I can see myself with a future, being some-what successful, being alive even if I end up homeless. I'm scared of what will happen. I don't feel safe, I can't imagine being in a place where I am safe. I can't think of someone that I'd feel safe being next to for a long period of time.
I'm tired of feeling this way. I want to feel protected and happy for just a little bit. Though, if I ever felt safe temporarily for a long time, I'd just feel worse after.
I know no one is going to save me from my mind, and only I can truly help myself, but I don't know where to go. I've tried several things. Journaling like this only helps get out strong emotions, it doesn't help me heal much. It's just active reflection, which I already do without writing it down. I try to distract myself, but that doesn't get me away from the problem in the end. I don't even know what the problem is. Is it time for me to accept that this is who I am? I don't know if I've fully accepted that or not. It keeps changing.
If I ever end up trying to end my life, I feel like I'll just become more pathetic if my attempt doesn't work. And if it does, what does that make me? An example? If I live, I'll just feel cursed my entire life. I should keep my chin up, and hope that I won't feel this way for much longer. I'm still a teenager right? My mindset doesn't really matter since my brain is still developing. That's sarcasm, I know that it matters at least a little about how I feel, at least to me.
I don't know what you think of me and my situation, and I can't help but wonder. Do you think I'm a lost cause, or is the problem so visible that it's weird that I can't see the answer? I keep talking like "solving" is black-and-white, but I know it isn't. It's a long process, and maybe I'm in the process right now. It sure doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm going nowhere and I don't like it. I want you to know that I want to be better, I just don't know how. Sure, a therapist or psychologist can help me, but I'm not really in the place where it's accessable to me. Maybe, I'll figure it out in some time. It's been years though, but I'll figure it out. Maybe, unless I get into my head too much and just end my life anyways. I feel like I'll just believe that there is no real meaning in life and treat myself like I hold no real value.