I checked my grade today. We had a math test last monday that I was sure I at least got a 60 or a 70 on, but I keep forgetting that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much. I had gotten a 37/100, and I don't know why I got so upset. This had happened before, twice, more than five times. I think I'm upset I haven't seen at least improvement. I thought I understood the concepts, I remember though that I had forgotten how to do a few problems.
I don't want to talk to my family about it. I forget to not tell my parents when I have a test that I'm going to take. When I do that, they're always asking me every day after school if I gotten my grade back, like I don't already check my grades every day. They're always reminding me about things I'm constantly worried about; deadlines, grades, homework, it's like an alarm clock that is set for random times in the afternoon. It's annoying, how have I put up with it for these past few years?
Skipping school and sitting by the creek again for a few hours sounds wonderful right now. I'm forgetting I have free will. When will I feel like I have control of my life? I haven't killed myself because I feel like I have debts to repay, and I'll only be cruel if I leave those debts behind, like a serial killer who kills themselves instead of facing justice and guilt. I'm even getting homicidal thoughts that my mind is tempting me with to feel control. It's been happening once in a while for the last couple of years. Of course, I won't be tempted to do anything, except maybe to myself. How many times has it been that I'm writing about ending my life? I feel like a broken record, I should just get it over with. But, then how will I pay back my family and those I have hurt?
Sometimes, I want to run away. Change my name, change my appearance, restart my personality to be who I am inside. I promise I'm a gentle girl inside. I don't know who I would be, who I'd become, but I wish that it would be someone different than who I am now. I cannot accept myself like this, whining about problems that I don't know how to solve, don't know how to heal, don't know how to change my environment. I just want to end my life, that's all I want. I'm not scared of death. I'm not scared one bit. I'm not scared how much it would hurt. I don't care if it would hurt for hours, I don't care if it would hurt for days. If I'm killed in less than a year, I would be happy. Am I pathetic for not even doing it yet? I'm being funny right now, please don't laugh at me. I'm sick of you sadistic, apathetic, people.