My dog died over the thanksgiving week. He was in a different country that was being taken care by my relatives, but we considered him my dog. My parents didn't want to move him to our country, so he was taken care by my family over there.
But, I know he wasn't properly taken care of. I know no one played with him. I was excited for the plans of going to that country over summer break, only because he was there and I could love and play with him because he deserved it and I love him. I'm reminded on how fragile life really is every time I forget. My father told me that they'd have to put him down because he was ill, and my mother corrected him mid-sentence, in front of me, that he already died a few minutes before.
I decided that we're going to get him cremated. I wish my parents at least communicated more about telling me. I'm upset, really, really upset. The past few days I've been dissociating from my daily life. I'm back in school, my friends are noticing I'm off. I don't know why I'm so upset, I wasn't even there for him. Maybe, that's why I'm so sad. I couldn't care for him and love him like he needed. I miss my puppy, a lot. I want to apologize that I wasn't there. I don't know how to grieve. What can I even do in this situation? Why can't I do something? It's already over, but I wish I did more. I could have done more.
I feel very religious for some reason. I've been wearing my rosary more often. I realize I do this when I'm going insane and I don't know what else to do. I don't even remember how to pray the rosary. I should learn again, but I feel like learning will drive me deeper into my sadness and anxiety. This is confusing. I hope it stops soon.