I have two of my hardest finals tomorrow back to back with a ten minute break inbetween, Algebra 2 and IBESS. I'm not too worried about IBESS but a lot of it is memorization of vocabulary from what I've heard. I'm good at that, but I'm extremely worried about algebra. I have a 50-something as my current grade, and I'm scared. I'm so worried, why does my grade depend on my entire life, again? Who set this system up? I want to have a talk with them. I say that because if I don't pass, then it will look horrid on my transcript, and that will affect the way colleges might see me, which affects the direction my profession will go, which affects how my life will go because everything revolves around money now. You can't even disagree with me, can you? Don't pretend this system is nicer than it truly is. I'm tired of telling people my worries and they immediately say that "I'm overthinking" without thinking about it much. It sounds like you're under-thinking.
I can't be feeling like this right now. I have to pass that test, but I already know I might not. If I don't, I'm scared my parents will yell at me. Yelling to me about how I'm irresponsable and dumb, even though every other subject I have I'm doing good on. I have above 80s for all of them, maxing a few classes, except algebra. It's so stupid, why is it so hard to realize that I'm good? But, at the same time, if I can't do something as simple as passing my math class, then how will I ever survive? I'll never be able to make a life for myself if the hardest thing in my life is that math class. Life is worse than algebra, I've already realized it. I shouldn't be complaining about something as small as this.
On the other hand, M is really getting into my head. I feel so guilty. I might as well kill myself now, knowing that I am going to hell. I'm genuinely a disgusting person, it's not funny. He called me last night. He's still hung up on his former crush. The whole thing that happened between them—I'll keep it brief—is that his former crush is a trans-man and he's straight, but he really liked that guy. He told me things about what he liked about what the guy did that made me embarrassed because it was like, intimate. How the guy held his hand and stuff. I can't stop thinking about it—not the hand holding part, but how he admitted to me how he liked it. I feel flustered and embarrassed, why do I care so much? I don't even think about the guy M was talking about, I'm just thinking about how I got to know a little about what he liked in a crush. This sucks.
I'm scared I'm thinking of M romantically. It's making me want to throw up. Something similar happened last year but with a girl that I was attracted to, and I ended up getting embarrased and flustered around her. This sucks because I have a boyfriend who I love just so, so much. But, I'm still feeling these things. I can't help but think me and M could be something good, like what me and my boyfriend have. I'm disgusting i'm disgusting i feel like im becoming everything i hate
I don't want to feel this way. Why do I always do this? I find someone that understands me, showing me parts of their personality or how they love that is completely compatible with what I need, and then I fall for them. I hate this. Sometimes, I wish I couldn't love at all. I wish I was mute, I didn't have to talk to anyone. Though, they'll never know how I feel. That's for the best, I can't keep loving people like this. I need to focus on what matters, passing math. Not passing my heart to M, who just happens to be everything I want in a guy. Not everything, but pretty close. ew.