When I kill myself, I'll make sure it works. I won't be afraid of failing once I plan it all out. I want it to be the end, nothing else. Just letting things be quiet.
Anyways, happy new year. I went back to school today and was reminded why I made this diary. But, I want to talk a little bit on who I am outside of...this.
So, once again, my alias is Spider lily girl, or simply Lily. Outside of this, I'm a highschool student who's going to be turning seventeen in a few months. I'm dreading adulthood, so hope I might make it through that line. I enjoy english the most, even if I'm not the best at analyzing novels or writing compelling things. I try my best. I don't have any specific friendships with any of my teachers. I don't interact with them much, I get extremely nervous. Adding onto that, my boyfriend, my sister, and I are suspecting I have a form of social anxiety. I wouldn't be surprised, the thought of refusing to speak for a while has crossed my mind several times because of how nervous and awkward I can get.
I have a few friends that I'm close to. I have a best friend, I met up with an old long-time friend a day ago, I have my boyfriend, M, I have people I talk to in school and sometimes outside of it. My boyfriend knows about my struggles with my mental health, but he always forgets the details. I feel like he would only feel bad about not knowing if he read these entries. I think a few of my friends are suspecting I'm struggling. I hope they don't get the wrong idea. I'm usually a funny person in the group, I try to make others laugh but I can be off-putting or awkward sometimes.
I try to keep this part of me completely seperate from this diary, but I may or may not have older teenager tiktok/instagram humor. I feel disgusting saying that. Who I am in school is not the same of who I am here. I feel more personal here. That kind of humor that I have helps my ability to make my friends laugh. I can be blunt at times, is that obvious? I genuinely have no clue. I'm a little worried reading my other entries, concerning my habit of spiralling for several days.
I'd like to have a friend that I can trust with this information. I've been wondering if I should link a burner tiktok account so that you might be able to message me, but what are the chances you're actually reading this? I probably look stupid right now, I'm sorry. I really can't trust a lot of people with this part of myself, I know it can be a lot for someone close to me to take in. I had problems in the past with accidentally oversharing, and friends having to distance themselves from me because I became negative out loud. That became a good reminder to think before I speak, and also that kids my age can be extremely immature which drives me insane.
One day, maybe if you're reading this, we can go and get coffee and go to a flower shop and buy eachother bouquets. I must be very lonely to be writing like this, isn't this funny? Are you giggling?
I wish I was close to my teachers, though. I never did talk with a lot of my teachers. I wish for that kind of connection, but I'm just a weird kid that's always drawing in her sketchbook. I really am always drawing in class, I will start to panic if I have to remind myself that I'm surrounded by other people. I wish I could hide my face and be completely quiet. As a young child, I used to fantasize about wearing a full face mask to school without other people making fun of me.
I ended up being negative again, I'm sorry, reader. I don't know, do you think I'm boring? I've spent half my life just trying to conqure whatever disease I have, I think I have damage to my brain now. I've heard that depression can genuinely damage your brain. Isn't that ironic? Me wanting to be smart but having something that possibly might be eating my brain alive like bugs? I wonder if I can serve any use other than being an example of what teen blues can do to a girl, haha.
None of my friends suspect I might end my life soon. Yet, I always seem to say that, but I live another year. It hurts, knowing I'm wasting my life away trying not to, but at the same time, already accepting that I'm not worth being anything other than who I've become. I hope I can pet a bunny one day before I die. Do you like rabbits, too?