I am the worst I've ever been in a while. Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, things get worse and worse. I now feel like I'm just waiting for an opening to run outside, run to that damned creek, think about how I should keep going, then end my life.
Being like this is extremely lonely, I don't think I mention that enough. I was angry yesterday, and I was telling my boyfriend about it just to realize he was barely listening. My words were going one ear out the other. I can't be too mad about it, though. I know he doesn't mean harm. He has trouble focusing a lot, I don't blame him. I don't want to bring it up, he'll just feel guilty and then I'd have to ignore the reason I was upset to remind him I still love him. I sound mean, but I'm being honest about what I think. I just wish someone would take the effort to listen to me when I'm upset. But, no one is willing to hear the things I can describe with my words. I realized that I make kids my age uncomfortable when I talk about things the way I talk on here. In middle school, I was pushed away by my close friends because I was too negative all the time. I don't blame them for it, but it made me realize that I really can't trust anyone—outside of people who are paid to listen to me—with somethings I really should talk about with someone who loves me. The risk of saying too much is huge for me. I really can't imagine anyone who I can trust anymore with my feelings.
I've been slowly slipping. I'm losing the motivation to do anything. I haven't turned in my homework this week, I didn't study for that math quiz today—even though I knew I'd hate myself when I saw the grade. I haven't done my art assignment, I've been trying to create more space between me and my friends/boyfriend so that our shoulders wouldn't brush together or anything similar. I've been getting to school later than usual. I haven't done work in class, just indulging in my sketchbook. I'm becoming pathetic and slow, more irritated at everyone. I've been eating less. I know this isn't a good look for me at all, I'm just saying what I've noticed. My friends are noticing I'm more quiet, but I've been forcing myself to seem happy for them. I can tell they seem less lively when I'm not as lively. I think. I hope I don't seem self-absorbed for saying that. There's a lot of Is in this log, I'm sorry, reader. Please forgive me for indulging in this selfish moment? I won't be offended if not.
I think I'm losing touch with myself. The rest of the year, we're supposed to be writing a long essay about anything, as long as we took a class related to the topic of the essay. I chose something random that I believed I could enjoy, but I've been trying to find a different topic for about two months now, about anything I enjoy. And, believe me, I've been thinking. I don't know what I'm interested in. I don't know what career I want to go through. I don't even know who I've become anymore. I feel like I'm being convinced every day that the reason I was born was just to end my life early. I feel sick.
I wish one of my friends would listen to me sometime. I know what I think can be a lot, so, I keep deciding not to open up to anyone except here. I can't open up to my boyfriend because almost all the time, I feel even worse. I can't open up to friends because I really can't trust people with these facts about me. How do you just say "I've been suicidal for almost half my life and I'm on the brink of ending my life and I have been for the past two weeks". That's genuinely horrifying. Look atme guys i struggle to open up haha look at me. jumps around for attention oh my god i'm probably the least expected person my best friend thinks to be suicidal im not jokign. oh my. god killmme
I'm in hell. I've been in hell for half my life this is not ok how do people live like this If i ever become an adult who can drink I can see my future and its filled with alcohol and drugs might as well kill me now if I can already expect myself self-destructing like that i hate my life so much i actually cannot do this anymore. im in genuine hell and i keep getting more and more work to do just to get a mediocore grade and a piece of paper that says congrats you passed the easiest. freaking. thing in ur life: highschool
aha. uhhh just kidding ok i need to calm down