Good afternoon, I hope you're doing well.
I haven't finished a major assignment and have only been anxiously staring at the blank document for two weeks in class. My friend, M, has texted me to stop procrasinating, that even he gets things done when he procrastinates. I don't know if it's procrastinating anymore, but what do I know? I think I've been dissociated for the past few weeks, I haven't really understood much happening around me lately. The most emotion I felt was when I was with my boyfriend. We were cuddling—like what couples do, do not flame me yet–and I felt like I was going to start crying. Maybe, it's because it was warmer and it's been cold, or it's because we haven't seen each other for a couple weeks outside of the hallways in school. I'm struggling to write this because I feel so unaware. I'm scared my english teacher will get angry at me, but she might not even care. I've just been keeping myself from slitting my throat over the bathtub.
I called a hotline for the first time in a year. I've called the hotline multiple times since I was eleven–but every time I do, I always forget how dissapointed I was during and after the call ends. It's my fault though, I always seem to not convey my mind in words outloud very well. The woman I talked to reminded me that comparisson is the thief of joy, and I didn't know how to say that it feels deeper to me than just that. So, I told her I felt better, and ended the call. Before that, though, I was considering ending my life for good–no letter, just that. It felt like a balance was beginning to weigh down on one side in my head, but not enough for me to choose that decision. You must be sick of this, right? All my entries are beginning to sound the same. Over, and over, "I want to commit suicide", "I don't like how I'm living". I wish I knew what I could do. Talk to a friend? They might not even take me seriously, or my problem may burden them more than needed. This is the only space I feel relatively safe to speak in. Knowing the only reason I'm alive is because "it would destroy my family" feels more invalidating than it should be. I'm not even alive for myself. At most, I'm still here for the thought that I can feel normal. I can have the chance to feel like I don't need reasons to stay alive, that I'm only alive to live to my fullest.
And so, when that day may come, I'll laugh harder, I'll smile without hesitance, and I'll hug my friends tighter. I just hope that I won't end my life for something that doesn't matter. Thank you for still reading if you are, reader.