Hello, reader. I've been very busy.
"I know—very deeply—that I'll never feel as if I belong. I'm forever, consistently, drowing in an ocean I'm unfamiliar with.
Though, I hope, that I was so unbelonging that once I pass, the people around me where I was will ultimately feel as if balance is finally restored—no matter how haunting the emptiness may feel.
I sincerly don't mind at all."
- passage I wrote my algebra II homework as of Feb. 18, 2026, ~3:30PM.
The last two weeks have been extremely hectic regarding school. It's been back to back assignments, projects, essays, tests, and I had to sacrifice time for other assignments to finish more heavily graded assignments. Since the start of January, I feel as if I've had multiple psychosis episodes. I've had to rest as if I've been trying to survive horrific events. The days off of school don't bring me comfort. I had tried my best to act as if I was doing normal around my friends, beginning to believe that I can only eat lunch with them like usual so they won't look and find me at my worst. I felt as if I didn't, they'd hurt me more. They haven't hurt me before, of course, I was in a state of delusion. I'm not making much sense, I'm sorry, reader.
My school did a fire drill today. I walked out and saw my best-friend. She waved to me, I waved back. Though, she was surrounded with friends of her own. I was reminded that I'm more alone than I believe. I have my boyfriend, of course. I have M, but he has a girl-best friend that he seems to talk to all the time. I love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong. I feel as if the past entries might have painted him as harmful to me. That's not the case. I have barely any problems in my relationship with him, and I truly believe we have a large chance of lasting throughout highschool. The only problem, which is a broader problem with all the relationships I've developed with friends, is that I can never really open up. Not everyone can handle the mindset I truly have, and I'm worried I'm beginning to mask it too much to the point where I might be isolating myself even more. At the same time, I don't want to take the chance of trying again. I know I'll just end up regretting it. You probably heard that before in the other entries.
During the fire drill, I saw J again. I couldn't recognize her right away, so I kept looking at her as I zoned out listening to music. She made a face at me; brows raised, neutral expression, before she looked away. That's when I saw how she is growing out her hair, putting it up. She stopped wearing her glasses, it seems. I had to look away, pretending that I didn't recognize her. The rest of my day was filled with a sense of dread. I still don't understand why I can't move on. J doesn't want to put in the effort of having a friendship anymore, and that's okay. I'm just still stuck on her, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I crave our old friendship, for reasons I can think of, but I don't know why I can't just move on. I've accepted (I hope) that she wants nothing to do with how we used to be. That might be an assumption, but what else is there? I'm not hard to approach, I've said I missed her. I hope she doesn't fear that I'll only hurt her. But, at the same time, I looked like a wreck today. My hair didn't look good, I wore the same star-trek jacket I've had for a bit now, and I definitely looked exhausted. Probably not the best impression of your old best-friend, right?
I hope, unfortunately, that someone near me has noticed that I'm not okay. As self-absorbed as that thought is, I think just knowing someone has noticed is enough to make me feel somewhat better, even if I am trying my hardest to hide it. I don't want to let anyone in, but I want to know that someone caught on, even if they say nothing or not. I hope God isn't real like everyone says. Maybe then, he might be gentler with me if I begin to believe he doesn't exist. If I believed he doesn't exist, how will he judge my sins? I didn't know, but now I am trying to convince myself that.
I don't think I'm going to live past April. If I do, maybe in the future you'll know. You'll read this, then read a future entry, and remember that I said this. I hope you'll smile a little. Would you understand if I ended my life? Have I been through enough? Please, help me make my death worthy to be understood. I don't want to be percieved as someone who went through a portion her life, only to kill herself to leave everyone around her to rot. Make me believe it'll be okay, please.