I relapsed last night. I don't remember why; something about feeling lonely. Now my arms sting, but at the same time, I really missed the feeling. It's been a while, several months. I should be upset, but I'm not.
Other than the relapse, I've gotten very close with M. Too close, actually. I'm scared that I'm actually attracted to M, and it's driving me absolutely insane! This entry is not going to sound as structered as the last couple entries because I'm freeing the teenage girl spirit inside of me.
I genuinely feel like a dog around him. I feel like I get attached to those I begin to love and respect way too quickly. I cannot be feeling these things towards M because reminder that I have a boyfriend (who I love). I feel extremely guilty, and I'm so scared. The cherry on top of my suffering is that I'm 40% sure that M might like me too. WHAT ohh my ohod. ok you're probably like "lily how do you even know M likes you back?" I don't but it's a gut feeling. the same feeling I had when before I got with my boyfriend. He also seems to enjoy talking to me. oh my hgod. one time he asked me if I had any art to share because we've been showing each other our art everyday of our characters. So, I said; "yes but nothing good today" because they were mostly doodles and stuff. THEN he said "I'm sure they're amazing". You don't understand reader—we usually mess around and say things like "fuck you I hate you" "ok you think im ugly and a horrible person" "yes" "ok". get. get away from me
I'm going insane. I feel disloyal, I feel like I'm cheating on my boyfriend and I'm not even cheating. I have to pray this will pass but I'm ughiodsknl. i hate everyhitng why is existing so hard???? One of the worst parts of this stuation is that I'm not sure if this is just me thinking about the love I want or if I'm genuinely crushing on him. He's becoming a close friend of mine. I'm beginning to look around the halls for him. He's so popular with so many people I feel so little in his social circle, I probably don't even matter that much to him. That's probably for the best anyways. I'm beginning to feel warmer around him. The more I think about it the more guilt I feel. I'm very conflicted and all my emotions and thoughts about this situation is beginning to feel warped and mushed together im ugh
i might have to break up with my boyfriend because of this we've been togehter for over a year. ive been daydreaming M hugging me. im scared of that sense of physical touch from him but maybe it would feel nice outside my mind. im a horrible person im. genuinely. ok ok ok stop stop get out leave the website im embarassed leave me alone