Hello reader. It's been a while, I've been busy.
Overall, this past month I've been feeling better. Not fully okay, but better. I've been happier, I'm sure about that. But, I'm writing here again because of something else.
There is an instagram account that a student has made where it posts anonymous submissions from other students. Those submissions are meant to focus on anything the anonymous submitter wants to get off their chest. There's only three posts, and the third—most recent post—was by a student who talked about their suicide attempt and how, after they failed, they realized the things they had to live for.
I don't mean to be selfish, or to undermine their experience by writing the following, but I feel sick to my stomach because of how it reminded me of my own suicide attempt when I was twelve. I don't remember if I talked about it at all, I might have not felt okay enough to even get it out.
But, right now, I want to talk about it.
When I was in fifth through eigth grade, I was extremely nihilistic and I was also somewhat of a misanthropist. I hated everyone around me, including myself, and I found no meaning in existing. All the days I remember through those years are fuzzy, but the ones I do remember somewhat; I felt numb. So, when I was twelve—I don't remember the exact reason—but, I tried to end my life. I snuck a knife upstairs and kept it in my vanity for a few days. Then, around six AM on April 27, 2021, I stood in my bathroom and wanted to stab myself with that knife. I remember looking in the mirror, lifting my top to look where I thought I should jab myself, and how long my hair used to be. I still have the clothes I wore that day. I remember not feeling anything, I felt numb. Even thinking about it, I still feel that numb feeling, but I also feel scared. I must have stood infront of that mirror for about thirty minutes before putting the knife up and going back to bed. That was it. No conclusion, no comfort.
I think only a few people know about this. I'm certain they barely remember. Around that time, I was prone to oversharing quite a bit. I regret it deeply. Now, I don't share enough to my closest friends. I tried to become better, but I ended up closing myself off from everyone. As much as I hate to say it, I hope I don't ever open up. I like it better, no one truly understanding me, no one knowing who I used to be. But, I hate it when anyone says "I understand." That's something I know has stuck in all these entries. You, reader, are probably the person who understands me the most. I know, right now to you, I'm just words on a screen—a concept of a person to you. But, you know me best. You know every mental break I was willing to share since september.
Even after talking about my suicide attempt, I still feel misunderstood though. I feel like I don't remember enough about what happened. I don't remember enough on what drove me to that. I theorize that I was filled with such self-hatred that I was convinced I would be doing humanity a favor. I know it was something similar, just based on other experiences. I hated myself so much during that time where my sister argued with me. Even I don't have that much self hatred now. I guess healing really is possible for someone like me.
Anyways, that's that. Now, there's other things I want to share regarding M.
Having a crush on M is a trill I didn't realize I wanted to have in my life. Having a crush, I feel, makes life a little less dull. You go through strong emotions while over analyzing simple interactions subconciously—at least, that's my experience.
I've been having a good time. Unfortunately, there are times where I get upset because I get stressed out if he likes me or not. There are times where I want him to tell me straight up that "he doesn't like me romantically" so I can give up the crush because it really does get crazy in my head! But, according to my best friend, I have a chance. Crazy, right?
I was walking in the hallway to math with my best friend, and the topic of M got brought up. So, I talked about how I was losing my mind trying to figure out if I had a chance or not, and the conversation basically went like this:
Okay, since me, my friend, and M are all in the same group of friends, it's usual that they talk to each other too. They ride the same bus as well, and basically, I got confirmation that he might like me back. Soooo
I would talk more excitedly but I'm really tired and I have a billion things to do. Goodbye, reader.