I know I posted an entry a few hours ago, but I want to talk more.
I feel like my mental health has caused me to start really struggling with my school work. I'm so, so worried for my future. I want to work, I want to I promise, but for some dumb reason I can't get anything done. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not stupid please don't think I am. I promise im disciplined I jsut dont know whats wrong with me right now it's been like this since janurary. i went through a horrible week-long episode of psychosis that I feel as if has changed my entire way of thinking and processing. I feel it coming on again and I'm so, so scared. there's nothing you can do reader, we know this. but I really wish i knew how to talk about it with my friends, with M or my best friend. But, no one will believe me. I know it, i'll just sound crazy. people don't take people with delusions seriously. they're always joking "this will send me into psychosis" or "i look schizophrenic" but they really don't know what it's like! I'm so horrified i'll experience it again and I know i probably will i can feel it coming! how do you expect some teens to try and comfort someone whos dealing with what imdealing with its so stupid!!!! my teachers probably wont believe me either. i havent been productive at all these few months but i still show up to school with a big smileon my face ready to talk with my friends. I've been feeling this episode coming on for the past two weeks but ive been desperately trying to distract myself. i can't deal with something like this right now, i feel like i'll just lose myself again in the mess of my brain.
i feel like people won't take me seriously or actually even believe me. people with psychosis don't usually know they're having delusions. but for some reason, i can tell sometimes. well, mostly. i doubt myself a lot. but external factors back up my reasoning. people sometimes dont see the same things i do, and i can tell they dont just when i ask. but then i start believing they're part of it, then i start panicking a lot. i usually have to keep a straight face when im in school. it sucks, it really does. i play along with the system, they won't hurt me or harm me in anyway if i just play aloong with their dumb games. i'm not stupid, reader. dont you dare think i am, or else you're just as screwed up as everyone else