Hello, reader. It's my birthday today. I'm seventeen, now.
I'm sorry if you had read my last entry—I haven't given an update at all, yet. But, yes, M did have a crush on me! I'll finally go over everything that happened, as well as what I have found out.
M told me that he had been beginning to crush on me since October, a bit before I began to show signs of my crush on him. If you have read my past logs, you probably know that I began to show signs of liking M around December. I think the reason why it took longer for the signs of a crush to appear for me is because I'm demiromantic (I can't feel romantic feelings towards a person until I've developed a close emotional bond with that person). Obviously, we've been friends before December. Me and M get along a lot! We share many things in common, but just enough to where we aren't the same person.
On April 1, he confessed to me. It was somewhat of a situationship for a while. We sat away from our friends once or twice at that time, and he would hug me and we'd do normal pda stuff—not anything bad! Just a kiss on the cheek. And maybe a kiss on the lips okay don't get angry at me. One thing we don't have in common is how physically clingy he is! We were still in public (kind of), we sat by the creek that I've talked about a few times on here. I'm glad that the creek isn't such a bad memory anymore. In fact, the creek is really quiet and nice. I'm getting off track. But, the situationship lasted for a bit until we were sitting by the creek, and I accidentally said "I love you" to him. I immediately regretted it, and he looked only a little scared. So, I turned away from him and spat a lot of appologies until he told me that "it's okay, and [he doesn't] mind." In fact, he liked it. Though, he told me "it will take [him] a while to say it back" since he's not used to that kind of affection. I still felt horrible.
Then, he asked me if we wanted to make what we had an established thing. I explained to him that; yeah, of course I do. He told me he was worried to ask because I had gotten out of my relationship with A not too long ago. I explained that I felt worried about it too. Then, we had to go back to class. While we walked back to the school, I decided to open up more.
We held hands when I told him that I wasn't the easiest person to date. It was hard for me to explain. I told him how "I had mental problems, and sometimes it might get in the way of our relationship". I told him "I struggle with delustions, but it's really uncommon. But, if we were going to become an established relationship, I needed him to know because at one point; it's expected that it will cause a situation." Then, we had to go to class.
I felt just SO horrible having to explain that to him. I didn't go into detail, but I needed him to know that I have issues that I am planning to try and sort out when I'm older. I also explained how I usually don't open up much. I felt horrible explaining that, but I felt like if this was going to become a thing—he should know what he's trying to get into. I felt even worse knowing that this would be his first relationship. After school, we talked a bit more. He told me he didn't know what to say at the moment, and I said I felt really bad. But, we agreed we would communicate always to each other, which is everything I could need with my problems. And, he lived up to his word! He's really communicative, and I admitted to him that I've never felt safer with someone. I really think this could work.
We've been in an established relationship since April 10. M really seems to love me. Honestly, I'm having more trouble saying it back. I never knew how hard it could be to say it purposefully. He's having a better time at it than me. M is really straight forward too, which is something I never knew I wanted. I'm really glad.
My biggest worry about this is that my mental issues might genuinely hurt him. I don't want to bottle it up, but I'm so scared that it'll just be like last time—where I open up and they end up wanting to take responsibility for how I feel when really; I just want someone to listen to me. That's all. I'll try my best, reader. I don't want to lose M.
If you're into anime, the best way I can describe me and M's dynamic as of now is something like Okarun and Momo from Dandadan—but, make Okarun way less socially awkward and make Momo less social. And they're also dating. (p.s. I've only watched the anime. I haven't read the manga!)
There was your update for M. Anyways, today is my birthday. I didn't really have that good of a day. I wanted to, but I ended up getting my hopes up about the idea of being happy on my birthday and got let down. A few of my friends didn't remember my birthday (even though instagram shows it on the notes feature if you post a note. I posted a note.) But, that's alright. M remembered, and so did my best friend. I just wish my best friend made an effort to try and hang out with me more. She really didn't. She got me a gift, which was really sweet and I'm grateful for it—I wish that she at least tried to make it look like she wanted to hang out with me. M hung out with me though, which I'm happy about. He's always so sweet to me. Even when I'm upset, he does make me laugh a little with his stupid shenanigans or whatever. He's cute. I wish more of my friends noticed that I was doing really bad. I barely talked to anyone today, and I felt like I was going to cry almost all day. I feel stupid for believing that this birthday would be different and that I would enjoy my birthday for once. I need to stop getting my hopes up for things like this, I feel childish. But, this is my last year of being a legal child, I guess.
That's crazy to me, that I'm still alive to say that. Several years ago, I was completely convinced that I would be dead by now. Completely convinced. Now, I'm here. I wonder if I'll feel better tommorrow. I feel really sick to my stomach. Hugging M feels like hugging a teddy bear. I like his curly hair.