Hello, reader. It's been a while. I've wanted to write, but I've recently been trying to distract myself from these negative emotions. But, yet again, I'm here. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'm sure this is chronic in some form.
I've had a good time with my friends, I've been more happier than in the past for sure. Yet, I find that same feeling creeping up towards me and I can't do anything but try to ignore it or to indulge in it. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation. I find myself in this loop over and over again for years.
I want to talk about my issues with anyone. Just anyone, I even soft-post things that bother me. It's a hint that maybe I'm not doing well. But most of the time, my friends don't usually ask. One time though, my best friend asked if I was alright based on the fact I was irritated. I immediately shut it down. I'm still. wary about trusting anyone around me with my problems. I've become way too used to dealing with my issues by myself. I've grown to become very independent in many ways.
Once again, I wish someone would sit down and listen to me closely. That's not going to happen if I keep pushing people away. But, I guess it's the safer option. If I don't let anyone know, then they don't know, and I don't have to worry about ruining anything between them.
Things with M have been... okay. I love him, but yet again, I'm noticing things that are starting to worry me. He seems to crave affection from me. I don't have a problem with it, but it seems like it's all the time he wants some sort of affection, like he's starved for it and isn't afraid to show it. I wouldn't mind, but I'm starting to feel a little uneasy about it. He's very physically affectionate—always trying to touch me. I'd be standing in front of him, talking to him, but he seems a little more focused on touching my arms or hands to hold them. Usually, it's okay with me—but, I've realized that I'm really uneasy about PDA. One time he hugged me near about ten other people who could see us if they looked ahead. He's mentioned before that he really wants everyone around us to know that he loves me. It's sweet at first, but for some reason, I begin to feel weird almost every time something like this happens. I've mentioned before that I don't like a lot of PDA. I thought he understood, I may have been wrong. It all feels so fast. I'm totally okay most of the time talking about giving affection, but he seems to really be attracted to the part of me that is more dominant and confident with affection. I'm not like that all the time. Most of the time, actually, I'm quite kept to myself. Just writing about this is giving me a weird sick feeling. What's going on with me this time? I wish I could just feel normal for once.
I smoked a cigarette I think three times in the past, starting last year. Once was just to try it, the second to try it again, and the third was because I missed it. I didn't think I'd get addicted. I got my hands on cigarettes because my mother used to smoke. She doesn't anymore, and now, I've found myself thinking about it more than I've expected. It's been over half a year—I think—since I touched one of those. And now recently, it's been on my mind. I was a fool to think that nicotine wouldn't affect me. Clearly, I didn't understand how much it calmed down my anxiety.
I'm a grown girl now, aren't I? Seventeen years is a lot. But, almost half my life now, I've been affected by issues regarding my mental health. I don't want to seem like my mental health issues is everything to me, but it does make a big part on how I go about my daily life. I wish I was normal.