nothing progressed, i feel like ive gotten worse. i've been hitting screentime of 20+ hours each day, i know its a desperate attempt to distract myself from my emotions. i feel warm and disgusting, like my soul has been fermenting and molding in my own body, and it spreads deep within my marrow. i've lost the ability to socialize with M, and none of my friends have texted me. i hate how its always the person im dating that goes out of their way to text me. i know that's how it should be, but what about my friends. maybe i stayed quiet for too long. they've forgotten about my existance until the next school year starts. i'm really stupid, and i cant stop thinking about other ways to distract myself from this. getting drunk, desperately trying to find left over cigarette packages in the house, maybe. at least i'm not trying to kill myself, right? this isn't rock bottom, but it really feels like it's close to being it.
I can't even get myself to draw anymore. how did i become this way, again? its been weird lately. the only way i can really feel something is if i indulge too closely into my thoughts, or if i engage in something intensely sexual. its either sadness or lust, i hate it. even my body is starting to reject the second option, it's actively starting to ache. im almost convinced this entire episode is just punishment for the horrible things ive done. it doesn't matter how naive i was, this is a punishment. i should just start accepting it if that's the case.