This has to come in waves. I'm sure of it. I don't even know what's going on anymore. My friends don't feel like my friends anymore. The only person that really talks to me is M, but I need something platonic. I need someone reliable and platonic. No one in my life is reliable. I don't feel safe anywhere anymore, not with anyone, never have been in my own room. Why did I break up with A, again? My so called bestfriend keeps hanging out with him. She posts about the things they do to have fun. They play games, even draw together. When did A start drawing? He was so nervous to start drawing. I saw him post on his status about how he had a design for his own character that he used to talk about. When did A start drawing??? I want to be friends again. He doesn't even like me anymore. What if A is talking to my best friend about my personal life? I told him so much. I don't remember what I told him. Who is he telling these things to? Why do I feel so envious of him and my best friend? This isn't okay. There's something horribly wrong with me as of recently. Something evil. Sometimes i start believing that I'm evil himself, the devil of some sorts. Something along the lines of that. Because, why am I thinking this way? I can't stop either, it feels like its consuming me and my chest hurts all the time. I can't even get myself to cry normally. I feel like I either shouldn't or that I really am not alone enough to cry—even if I'm just in my own room with the door closed, sitting in the dark. It's so quiet no matter how much music I blast in my ears. Nothing is enough to distract me. I hate this so much, I'm just gonna be up and happy again in a month, aren't I? Why can't this loop just stop already. It's not like I want to die, but at the same time it does. I don't want to die, hoping that I'll have a future where I'm happy most days. But, I'm just so sick. I'm so close to being an adult, I wish I was braver to face that more. All my friends are doing better than me. None of them know, or all of them know and choose to ignore it. I can't believe I'm still on about this ignoring thing. Everyone has their own business, why can't I just accept that I'm going to be alone like this? If I'm never going to get better then I really am going to be alone. Sometimes I think about committing a horrible crime so I can rot in prison, but then I'd be able to get something deep inside me out and also be surrounded by people who are as sick as me.
I really need a cigarette. I think about it more than I should even though I haven't smoked in ages. That's really going to be my downfall, isn't it? Substance abuse? Is it better that way? At least my nerves will calm down while I'm destroying my body. Better than nothing.
Something that I noticed is that my body and my face don't feel and look like mine. I don't remember what I look like, but it's certainly not what I look like right now. Something's wrong. Something's horribly wrong. I can't remember what I look like. It's not what I see in the mirror, you have to believe me. I miss J. I miss her a lot, why won't she talk to me? I miss all my friends. I miss my dog so much. I feel weird again. I'm sorry, reader. This entire diary is so repetitive. Maybe, you like that. You like seeing me suffer over and over again, and collapse into these words. I hope you at least find some enjoyment out of me, as weird as that sounds.
I want to hurt someone. Not just myself anymore. Isn't that weird? To want to put my hands on someone's neck, squeeze as hard as I can. This isn't me, why am I feeling this way? Someone, please tell me.