i'm just writing in the hopes that my negative emotions will fade for now so I can actually focus on what I want to do tonight.
Everytime I visit my grandmother, I'm always filled with hope yet sadness at the same time. The environment, the place she lives in is so beautiful. It always seems sunny when I'm visiting. There's often deer that come out. I saw so many, even a baby one. But, when it's too nice, I start feeling weird. Everything seems so beautiful when I'm there, even my thoughts. One way I can describe it is golden hour. I don't know how to express how I usually feel there. I don't know if I feel safe or not there. I'm confused.
But, I watched the fireworks. They were loud, but I had a very close spot, so at least they were pretty. I don't like fireworks that much, nor do I like the fourth of July. I need to smoke, or something. I didn't even feel very upset while watching the fireworks, it was almost like I had no thoughts.
I'm getting more popular online on my main socials. I've gained mutuals, and I started to talk to them in short-lived conversations. I don't have my age on those socials, but they all seem to be around my age. I feel better knowing I'm gaining more mutuals, but I'm hoping I can make one of them my friend. They seem so nice and cool, but I hope I don't come off as weird by talking to them. I really just want a friend to talk to, to listen to. I don't know how I feel about M right now.
This is so weird. I can't feel better no matter what, I can't force myself. What can I even do? I want to work on a project, but I can't work like this. I guess I need to watch something distracting, but I'll just feel unproductive by the end of it.
I've just been staring at my screen now. I don't know what else to say. I don't know why I'm still upset.
Thank you for who drew the spider lily. It's very nice, and I'm happy and nervous that I know someone is reading. It seems acknowledgement is the best thing for me, really. Hopefully, this feeling won't get any worse.