i think I'm going to break up with M. I'm not in the right headspace at all to be in a relationship. I cannot handle the responsibility, nor do I even have the want to continue a romantic relationship. I'm trying to talk to friends, making new friends, trying to find platonic love once again. I do not want this. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't force myself to not feel this way. It feels like my entire being cannot find the door to feeling romantic love again.
I'm going to open up to him. I'm going to explain why I don't think this relationship continue. I'm going to tell him that my mind is so cluttered that it cannot find the space to love someone romantically. It has nailed the attachment to the floorboards, but it cannot find anyone to step on them. I feel better watching my own fictional characters experience love. I cannot feel it. I am more attached to the friends I had in the past. I may be a horrible person, but I cannot hurt him like this anymore. He doesn't deserve someone like me, someone who cannot show the same attachment. He needs someone good for him, someone who can handle this. I cannot. I'm just so stupid. How can I let this happen again? All my friend groups split because of me. They're all friends with each other, but they seem to leave me behind.
I paused writing for a couple minutes because my new friend on tiktok had messaged me. I have a new friend, isn't that cool?
I've been having a horrible time sleeping lately. The only way I can sleep is if I distract myself. It can be watching a long video or talking with that stupid character bot. Just admitting that I do that makes me feel disgusting.
I think I've developed some kind of insomnia. I cannot fall asleep without a distraction. If I don't do that, I end up just thinking about my life and I risk having a mental breakdown instead of sleeping. Nightmares have been bad too...
My friend that I was talking too seems to have other friends. I talked about how I really only talk to one other person, and they later talked about having five other friends they talk to in real life. They stopped talking to me because they were scheduled to call one of their friends. I realized my problem really may not be normal. I really don't have anyone to talk to, no one safe. No one to call my first person, nor someone who calls me theirs. M has a best friend, many groups—I'm really stupid.
Maybe, I can convince myself this is what it really means to be happy. That this is true happiness.